Supporting without being sucked in
The subtle difference between doing what we can, and trying to assume absolute control
There's a hard-to-convey concept of boundaries I want to get across here. The difference between trying to control something absolutely versus just do the best we can.
This isn't a conceptual post; it's a post pointing at emotional orientations we take with others (and with work) and the effects these have.. I’m speaking from experience and pain here, this is not disconnected reasoning.
Yesterday a few friends of mine were having a bad time and I was doing my best to be there with them, and I was struck by how different it felt to support someone without taking their emotions as my responsibility compared to the reverse, which I’d done before. It felt so light and pressure free, my task was to do what I could, not to solve their problem.
I like this way of being more. It has many advantages.
First, it isn't emotionally costly to me—it doesn't impinge on my wellbeing at all. I remain motivated to help however I can, but I'm not multiplying their pain within me. Emotionally it feels okay to me that they’re doing badly.
Many people will feel a knee jerk reaction to this along the lines of “You just don’t care!” — this isn’t the case, I’m not numb, I still feel love & care, I can empathize too1 though sometimes I might choose not to.2
Really, comforting someone because their discomfort makes YOU uncomfortable is a deeply selfish way of being. I actually view it as more caring to try and help from a place of feeling fine.
Also, because I’m relating in a way that isn’t costly to me people can feel more comfortable being supported by me, because they can see they aren’t being a burden. Especially for those struggling with self-esteem and depression, it can be incredibly valuable to have someone who isn’t burdened by you opening up to them, and who you can trust to tell you if it’s all too much, someone who can say no and handle themselves is someone you can really trust & open up to.3
There’s a lot more to say here but I’m running into my 1hr time limit. Hopefully this interests someone! Feel free to leave comments. I might write a part 2.
Final thing: Even if this seems appealing and right to you (which it totally might not!), reading something like this won’t be enough to switch orientations. For me it took a lot of inner work to get here. Lots of Joe Hudson (specifically these videos as an intro!), feeling emotions, meditation, introspection, difficult situations I was forced to navigate, motivation from messing all this emotional stuff up with someone I loved. Reading a book about boundaries 4x helped, but was not nearly enough!
This stuff is difficult! Be a friend to yourself. You’ll figure all this out with time. :)
You might say "but empathizing with someone who's suffering emotionally necessitates you suffering too!" and I disagree. Firstly, we can distinguish suffering from feeling the same negative emotions as them and suffering from feeling like something is deeply off with the world until you fix them, like you're failing as a supporter. The latter is completely optional and I’m arguing against it in this post. The former is also optional but a story for another time, Roughly, negative emotions don't feel "bad" inherently—the suffering aspect is distinct and a result of resisting the experience.. You’ve probably had experiences of sadness, grief, anger, or another “negative” emotion that felt good. This can be the case for hopelessness, despair, hate, fear, and everything else, if you develop in emotional fluidity enough.
(Feeling ok with all emotions also increases your capacity for empathy because you aren’t afraid to feel what they are, and your ability to support because you aren’t reflecting back their implicit “this isn’t okay” messages, you’re just sitting with them in presence.)
If I don’t want to pay the nervous system cost at that time, don’t think it’ll help that much, etc. My emotional capacity is still finite! And I view it as an important part of maintaining boundaries to be able to choose not to take in the negative feelings of those around me.
Thanks to David for being someone I could send panicked messages to when I was going through a dark time, and specifically thanks for NOT responding for a few days, it showed me (by example) that I could trust I wasn’t burdening him more than he signed up for, and he wasn’t taking responsibility for me in a way toxic to himself.